No, I didn’t just have a Ron Burgundy moment. Look, I love the World Cup and am looking forward to a month of great soccer, but I have one complaint about the tournament. This is the trophy everyone (read: Brazil, Argentina, Spain, Germany, and maybe Uruguay) will be playing for:
Lovely enough, with one issue: IT’S NOT A CUP. The World Cup’s MVP equivalent, the Golden Ball, looks like a ball. The Golden Boot looks like a shoe. The Golden Glove? Yep, it looks like a glove. How can FIFA gets all of its trophies right except the most important one? Wait, they’re FIFA. Forget I asked that.
At the risk of making a bunch of you think in an Australian accent, this is a cup:
I know, I’m also shocked that I passed up the opportunity to work a bra into that gag.
If you’re going to call something a cup, it should be able to bring beer to my mouth or safety to my balls. Just not both.
Since this is America, and the most American thing one can do is tell everyone else how to run their shit, I’m putting just about all of the other sports leagues on notice: With a few notable exceptions, your trophy games are so soft, on a scale of 1 to 10, they’re “Drake”.
I’m going to say it: The Lombardi Trophy is lame. It’s a ball on a stick. Just like the World Cup. NFL fans, you are no better than soccer.
College football fans, you guys are even worse. “Hey, juiced up 19-year olds, here’s a delicate crystal thing” is about as good an idea as “Sure, Mr. Jones, Kool-Ade sounds refreshing”.
Right now, Coach Pop, Timmy D and my Spurs are competing for yet another ball-on-stick award, the Larry O’Brien trophy. That trophy has potential, though. If only they made one that did this:
My beloved Major League Baseball might be even worse; they end the season by handing off a bunch of little flags on a round base. The Commissioner’s Trophy shares one designation with the Commissioner: they both suck.
The NCAA Basketball Tournament champions receive a wood plank with a glass pane on another wood plank. They crown their champion with a window. You think, with all the money they save not paying players, they could afford a goddam trophy.
Look at this dude:
He got that badass trophy for playing Scrabble. In Canada. Fans, there’s a better than even chance that Canadian Scrabble hands out a cooler trophy than your sport.
Golf and tennis fans, it’s a shame nobody watches your sports, because your trophy game is on point. You just seem to like lids on your cups. I respect that. Special shoutout to British golf, whose championship sees your puny cups, and lets someone raise a Claret Jug.
Speaking of golf, the golf played every Spring a couple hours outside Atlanta changed the championship award game in 1949 when they began putting a green jacket on the back of the winner of The Masters. That’s right, a shamrock green jacket has become the international symbol for “I’m better at golf than you are at anything”.
“Dave, what about medals? They’re wearable and have been around forever.”
Medals are okay, I guess. Personally, I prefer my wearable championship awards to be a normal piece of clothing made wildly impractical, ala the green jacket. I get that some of you might dig medals. But, be honest: would you rather hold up a medal, or one of these:
That’s what I thought.
Were I running any tournament or league championship, here’s how the awards would go: the team would get a big-ass trophy from which one could drink, and each of the players on that team would get a championship belt. Why? Because championship belts are awesome.
The World Cup final will be held on July 13th. Think about the scene on the field after the match if the winning squad’s players had championship belts thrown over their shoulders while the team captain is sipping champagne out of an enormous goblet. Does anything scream “VICTORY!” louder than that?
Oh, and I’m totally picking the favorite to win it all. Brazil, the Cup is yours to lose. Even if I were on another team, I wouldn’t be mad to see that. Think about the party that would go down if Brazil won the World Cup in Brazil. A ticket to that party would be one hell of a consolation prize. Better than a silly ball on a stick.