We Could Be Villains

 Posted by on 2014/06/26 at 19:00  Soccer, Sports
Jun 262014

In case you’ve been under a rock for the past couple days, a dude did this during a Tuesday World Cup match:

"I don't drink... wine."

“I don’t drink… wine.”

That’s Uruguay ( / Liverpool) striker Luis Suarez.  Italy’s Mario Balotelli had been subbed out, making it fairly easy to say that he was also the best player on the field at that point in the match (I’d argue he’s better than Balotelli, but, let’s save that for another day).

Dave, what the hell?  Is he…


And he’s, like, good?

Really, really good.  He led the Premier League in goals last season.

This is also the third time he’s been caught biting an opposing player.

Seriously, WHAT THE HELL?!

So glad you asked.

Suarez complains to the ref as much as anybody on the field.  He flops in ways so brazen, I’d bet they raise Vlade Divac’s eyebrow.  He constantly looks like somebody farted in his nearby vicinity.  He also inspired this text, from my buddy Matt, in the aftermath of Tuesday’s chomping scandal:

Suarez vaulted into my top five favorite current footballers after that bite today.  He is a true villain, and the world is better for it.

I couldn’t agree more, and that’s only partially because I’m a shameless Liverpool homer. Continue reading »

The World Cup (?)

 Posted by on 2014/06/11 at 21:17  Soccer, Sports
Jun 112014

No, I didn’t just have a Ron Burgundy moment.  Look, I love the World Cup and am looking forward to a month of great soccer, but I have one complaint about the tournament.  This is the trophy everyone (read: Brazil, Argentina, Spain, Germany, and maybe Uruguay) will be playing for:


Lovely enough, with one issue: IT’S NOT A CUP.  The World Cup’s MVP equivalent, the Golden Ball, looks like a ball.  The Golden Boot looks like a shoe.  The Golden Glove?  Yep, it looks like a glove.  How can FIFA gets all of its trophies right except the most important one?  Wait, they’re FIFA.  Forget I asked that. Continue reading »

A Layman’s Guide to World Cup Soccer

 Posted by on 2014/05/27 at 06:58  Soccer, Sports
May 272014

About a month ago, I set out to explain to non-baseball fans the nuances of baseball’s various forms of “cheating”, because I’m a uniter.  With the World Cup around the corner, I bring the non-soccer people a few pointers to help them understand what the hell they’re watching next month.

Every fourth summer, Americans are told that, like people pretty much everywhere else in the world, they, too, are really, really into soccer.  If for no other reason than it typically morphing into a day-drinking opportunity, Americans usually tune in, and, having never been to Italy, cheer for the Italian soccer team.  That second part might have more to do with me being surrounded by people from New Jersey, and not necessarily reflect “Americans”.  But, I digress.

If you’re one of the people making your quadrennial dip into the other futból world, welcome.  I’m not one of those guys here to lecture you about the “beautiful game” or how soccer is intellectually superior to the popular American sports.  Screw those jerks.  On the contrary, I’m here to make your viewing experience as enjoyable as possible.  So, first, here are a few things you might hear soccer announcers say, and what they mean.  If you do know the rules of soccer, don’t skip this part of the program.  This is really a framework to make jokes masquerading as soccer education.  Promise. Continue reading »